Guardian of the Yard
Murphy sez: Mica, we have a security issue.
Mica sez: Impossible! I watch the windows and doors very carefully – better than you, I might add. I mean, I’m always telling people to get off our lawn, or away from our house, or out of our driveway…it’s a tough job, man, but I do my best. Wouldn’t hurt you to help, instead of just looking at me like I’m nuts.
Murphy sez: I have no idea why you get so worked up over people and other dogs. The bikes, loud vehicles and motorcycles, I get. But dogs and people aren’t the enemy, dude. We have a much bigger problem than that.
Mica sez: I have no idea why people think pitbulls are so tough. You’re a pansy, Murph. And if someone tried to break into the house, I think you might help ‘em carry off the goods. It’s a good thing for J that I take my job as watch dog seriously. Someone’s gotta look after the place while she and B are at work!
So if you’re not worried about people or other dogs, what are you worried about, exactly?
Murphy sez: Birds, Mica. Birds and squirrels. They’re coming for us – mark my words. I mean, did you see those two doves just sitting on the power line that runs right to the house the other morning?! They were casing the joint – I could tell. They’re plotting something. You know that movie with all the crows in it? That’s gonna happen to us, Mica. Only with doves. That’s why we can’t let them stay – not even for a little while. It’s too dangerous!
Get your fuzzy little butt off that pole – now!
Mica sez: Um…I’m pretty sure mourning doves are harmless, Murph. I mean, they usually just sit there, and then fly away. Sometimes they lose a feather or two. And sometimes they hang out in the yard, though I don’t generally let them stay. Not ‘cause I’m worried about a Hitchcock situation, mind you. Just because I like to see ‘em fly away.
Murphy sez: I’m telling you – they’re evil. Remember how long it took me to chase ‘em off? I swear, they were laughing at me, with their stupid cooing giggles. I can’t believe they stayed so long, with me telling them to get away the whole time. Who do they think they are, anyways? I had to lay out there for a good half hour in the sun when they finally left just to make sure they didn’t come back.
But there’s an even bigger threat looming, Mica. And I think we need to talk to J about emergency supplies.
Mica sez: What are you talking about now? I thought it was the birds giving you grief. Now they’re gone, and now that I think about it, I haven’t seen a dove in the yard since. I don’t think they like you much…
Murphy sez: Good. Because if they come back, I’ll eat ‘em. If the squirrel apocalypse hasn’t happened yet, anyway.
Mica sez: Squirrel apocalypse? You really have gone off the deep end, haven’t you? Maybe it’s that stuff J’s been putting in your ears. Did the infection get to your brain somehow? I mean, I love a good squirrel chase as much as the next dog, but an apocalypse?
Murphy sez: The squirrels are getting ready to revolt – I just know it. The way they run back and forth across the back fence, and then those kamakazie sorts that use the power lines as some sort of highway…I’m telling ya, they’re planning something. And we need to be ready, Mica. We need to keep them away from the yard, and tell ‘em off when they get too close!
Mica sez: That might be kinda tough considering they live in two neighbor’s trees, don’t you think? You’re just mad because they tell you off every once in awhile. You could try being neighborly…offer to watch their nuts, or something.
Murphy sez: I’ll watch their fuzzy little butts get off our fence and away from our power lines, thank you very much. And if they get close enough, I’ll make sure those tails are the only thing left. The thing is, we’re not ready, Mica. And you don’t even help – you just stand there watching while I’m yelling at those fuzz buckets, not saying a word, not even backing me up. Seriously dude – why aren’t you helping?
There is no squirrel apocalypse coming, Murph.
Yes there is, Mica!
Mica sez: *sigh* Probably because they’re just squirrels, and usually only one at a time, at that. There’s not going to be an apocalypse, little dude. And weren’t we just talking about how you don’t help me guard the house? Why should I help you guard the yard? We each have our duties, Murph. You protect us from the doves and squirrels and whatever feathered/fuzzy things you think might turn into a serious threat, and I’ll guard the house from the interlopers that really matter. Deal?
Murphy sez: I can’t believe you don’t think this is a bigger deal, but sure. Whatever. But when the squirrels finally attack (probably using the birds as some sort of spy-group, you’re on your own.
It’s gonna be nutty…
Mica sez: *groan* That was sooo bad, Murph. I think we’d both better rest up for guard duty tomorrow. It’s not easy keeping this place safe with so many…ahem…threats – real or imagined.
Murphy sez: I guess so. I am kind of looking forward to my cozy blankets. Though I can’t keep them on very long, on account of J keeps the house warmish. I still like ‘em though. So soft and cuddly… *yawn*
Mica sez: Sweet dreams, Murph. No squirrel apocalypse for you, my friend. Mostly ‘cause you’re kind of scary when you dream about chasing things.
Murphy sez: Right back atcha, Mica. But no promises about the apocalypse. It’s coming, and I’ve gotta be ready to shake all those squirrels to death…
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