And Just Like That…

…life tumbled again.

The Tuesday night before Halloween, I felt a baseball-sized mass just behind and below Athena’s ribs. She’d been having some incontinence issues that I was treating as I have in the past, but this was something altogether different. I called the vet the next day and got her in for an exam and testing.

The verdict: a visceral mass on one of her organs. It didn’t matter which one – with her liver disease, she wouldn’t have survived a surgery anyways. The vet said how long she had left depended on how fast the mass was growing, and whether or not it started bleeding. She told me what to watch for (cold ears, pale gums, coughing) and sent us home with her sympathies and an antibiotic, just in case.

The next Monday (Nov. 3rd), I took Athena for a final (short) walk in the park, and then for her final ride to the vet (she loved rides, and adventures, and is the only dog I’ve ever known who actually liked the vet and all the techs there, who also loved her).

She was a very special, wacky, sweet and crazy sort of dog, and not having her around is like someone sucked all the energy out of the house. Apollo is doing admirably well, though he’s a bit clingy now that he’s relying only on us humans, and is alone for a good part of the day.

For me, there’s sadness and the inevitable guilt that goes along with losing a pet, and trying to adjust to the “new normal” of just taking care of one dog (who isn’t as cuddly and “in your face” as she was) instead of two. Time is the necessary ingredient to healing, of course, and the only way out is through. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It just…is what it is.

In any case, a lot of things went on the back-burner yet again, including blogging and writing, and I’m so very weary and frustrated that this year has just been…so incredibly rife with not just normal, daily changes that happen in the course of life, but big, sweeping, life-changing hits that bruise and denigrate and wear on even my normally-relentless optimism like metal grinding on metal.

I am still standing, of course, because I am too stubborn to just stay down under the barrage of punches. But I’m tired, and swaying, and I know that I need to give myself time and space to deal with…everything. I’ve not felt like I could really do that lately, due to yet more changes at work and responsibilities resting solely on me, but…I’m getting to the “self-care is not optional” stage.

So, I may be quiet here on the blog for a bit longer (and I may not…hard to say). I will be finding creative ways to take time off work while still making sure things get done (I took this morning off, for example, and will go in for the afternoon, and will probably take a half-day or two off next week and the week after as well). I will be doing things that feed my soul…walking Apollo, crocheting, writing, latch-hooking, reading. I’ll also be focusing on eating well and sleeping well and just generally taking better care of myself. No one can do that for me but me, and that is the thing I need most right now.

I will survive, and things will get better. There will be good things that come of all this – I can see them in the distance already (a perspective which is paradoxically comforting and guilt-ridden).

That’s all…for now.

• ← The Trouble With Writing…
• The Year Of… →