The Perfect Gift
Today, I’m officially 50 years old. Huzzah!
There are so many people in this world that thrive on hustle and bustle and social interaction. They get energy from interacting with people, the more the better, and background chatter/noise is a prerequisite for many (and for others, something that just “is”).
I am not that person.
In order to work, write, or be creative in any way, I need to be able to hear myself think. I “hear” my thoughts internally, which is the only way I can actually process them and continue thinking/doing mental work (like programming or organizing or writing or anything). The more noise around me, the less I’m able to focus on my own thoughts, and the more stressed and frustrated I get. It takes a lot of energy for me to block out even background noise so I can think, and when people are talking both to me and around me, my stress levels rise very quickly because I can’t keep up with the conversation without using a lot of mental energy.
I am not a person who likes the TV or radio on when I’m trying to get things done (though I do listen to podcasts while I’m making dog food on Sunday nights).
I like the people I work with at the day job. They’re very nice, smart, intelligent people. And several of them are extroverts. You can literally watch them light up through the day as they have conversations and talk and laugh and talk over each other and hold several conversations at once – it’s all very energizing for them.
Conversely, constant interaction and noise is kind of a nightmare for me, and until this week, I sat directly between two of the aforementioned people (with a wall on one side, and a cubicle wall on the other). Smart, intelligent, and great to work with, but also, they were literally draining the life right out of me. By the time I went home for lunch, I’d have to turn the radio in the car off just to have fifteen minutes of silence in order to have a little energy to interact with my husband. The strain and stress of dealing with multiple conversations going on around me all day long had me completely wiped out by the end of the day and I was struggling to get anything done on my projects.
By the time I left work, I had no energy left for creativity or even real human interaction. Making dinner was a chore, dragging myself out to walk the dogs was a chore, having a conversation with my husband was just annoying, and trying to write or do anything creative was like pulling teeth. I was *tired* all the time, and felt like the only time I could get any mental rest was late at night after everyone went to bed, so I’d stay up far too late just to take advantage of the quiet and wind down from the day.
This is why I haven’t been posting much on social media – anywhere. I just haven’t had any mental energy left, and my weekends were spent just trying to recover.
For a long time, I blamed my hormones (menopause is not fun either, though I seem to be evening out a bit). I blamed not getting enough sleep, even when I did. I blamed myself for not working out enough, not resting enough, not forcing myself to write or work on my favorite crafts…but I knew that the constant noise and interactions throughout my day were definitely contributing to my issues (I just wasn’t aware of how much). I started the new year trying to use earbuds and instrumental music to block out the human voices when they weren’t directed at me, but while I could work that way, it was still a strain on my energy having to filter out the music in order to hear my own thoughts.
Last week, thanks to a good friend, I had the opportunity to move to an out-of-the-flow office. With four real walls and a door (and two windows), in a quiet corner of our departmental space. I spent an hour every day moving bits of my stuff over, and getting things set up, and Monday, I started work in an actual office. By myself.
The difference was *immediate*. Not having all that audio stimulation from the second I walked into the office until I left at lunch left me *not* completely drained when I went home for lunch! In fact, I felt pretty good – I had a really productive morning, got more work done than I had in a long while, and the interactions I did have were controlled and limited. I had a great afternoon, too, and when I went home that night – I had plenty of energy to make dinner, walk the dogs, converse intelligently with my husband, and I even got a little writing done that night before bed. It felt like a huge relief, honestly – like a ton of stress and effort had been removed from my whole life, not just mentally, but physically too.
Tuesday I knew I had meetings both morning and afternoon, and I planned my day accordingly, but being able to walk into the office and get settled in a quiet environment *before* I had to attend a meeting and interact made a huge difference in my mental state for that meeting, as well as the one in the afternoon. It was a “people-centric” day, but having a quiet space to retreat to between interactions still made a huge difference in the energy I had left when all was said and done. Wednesday I could set aside a couple large blocks of hours to work on a project I’ve been trying to get traction on for weeks now, and I managed to pretty much *finish it* all in one day just because I could close my door, block out the world, and focus in silence. Silence, for me, is truly golden.
And I still had energy when I went home at the end of the day for socializing with my husband and his pool team that night.
I know extroverts have no frame of reference for those of us who need quiet…and conversely, I can’t even begin to empathize with those who need to have interaction and noise for a majority of their day. I don’t particularly want to work from home on a regular basis, just because all the stuff I like to do outside of work is here, and it feels like a punishment to have to focus on “work” while I’m in my home space. But I didn’t realize just how much the noise has been draining me every day, every week, for years now, until I had the opportunity to turn it off.
As I said, I like my co-workers a lot. But I am incredibly grateful to have a quiet space now, where I can hear myself think without having to filter out incessant amounts of noise. I’ve been able to write and create more in the last week than I have been in the last several years, and I think this is really going to be a game changer not just for my ability to be more productive at work, but also for my ability to be creative and write/publish books in the evenings/weekends.
For the first time in a long time, I am hopeful that I can actually do “all the things” (or the things that are priorities for me) while still making a good living with a regular salary. Which is the best birthday gift I could ask for.
For anyone wondering, no lumps yet…huzzah! (read last week’s post for context)
50 is looking like it might be a pretty darn good year. And more importantly, a satisfyingly productive one all the way around.
Fellow introverts, I hope you can find quiet in your days. And extroverts, I hope you can get the interaction you need, while understanding our need to get away sometimes and just be by ourselves.
Until next week – happy reading & writing!
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- The Edge of the Cliff
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I feel this post so much. Social interaction for me is hard. The more people the worse it feels. The older I get the harder it is. I’m glad your friend help find you a space. Working from home for me has been an absolute blessing because I don’t feel that crush of traffic driving, worrying will I make it on time, then sitting down and there’s all these people around me and the constant typing, phones, talking, etc and then back in traffic to go home.
I also thought maybe I’m not much of a people person because dogs never make me feel like this.
I haven’t written in 4 years because after work I just sit for hours doing nothing and I can’t concentrate to read, even TV I dont pay much attention. I finally realized it’s my phone and social media too. While I dont like to people much in person I am tied to this stupid phone. Months ago I started pulling away from it more and getting outdoors more. It feels so much better. I still facebook and Instagram, goodreads but I do it less. I read more, listen to music and watch TV with Wren. Once I move that TV part will be even less because he actually likes to read and adventure. That’s the other part when he’s here visiting me we keep it to just us. He can’t deal with the hustle here and that’s why I’ve never liked it here in Pennsylvania. I feel like I’m drowning here. There’s no peace unless I go out and walk or hike and shut it off.
Sorry to hijack you post but the energy vibes and struggle you just shared is so familiar to me. I’m happy for you, we all deserve life to feel good. 50 is also a big deal. It gets better from here too. Maybe because we take charge more and the bullshit less? Lol
Happy Birthday Jamie!! Have a fantastic day and weekend my friend
🥳🍷🧁❤️
Thanks Lori! I think it definitely does get better as we get older…that whole just not caring what people think thing is invaluable.
I hope you’re able to find your peace soon too! 🙂